


The Prince & the Beast

by mdseiran



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Engagement, Alternate Universe - Crack, Community: hobbit_kink, Gen, Humor, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-04
Updated: 2013-06-03
Packaged: 2017-12-13 21:24:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/829046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mdseiran/pseuds/mdseiran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin really, really should have listened to Gandalf.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this prompt](http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/3651.html?thread=7477059#t7477059) at the Hobbit Kink Meme.

They are trapped.

He turns his head, but no, the cliff is still as steep as it was mere moments ago. And the wargs are surrounding the lone remaining tree, fangs bared, waiting patiently for the tree to give.

The quivering of the bark beneath his hand tells him it won't be long.

Azog is sitting some distance away on his white warg, and his smile fuels Thorin's rage. He burns with it, aches to smash the orc's skull with his axe, to bury Orcrist deep into his neck and watch the blood spill.

Harsh sounds penetrate the silence, grating on his ears. Azog seems to be fond of needless posturing and long-winded speeches, and all he can understand from it is his own name and those of his father and grandfather. But Azog's self-satisfied smile speaks volumes as to what he is saying.

Somewhere above him, Gandalf lets out a strange sound.

"Can't we do something?" Bofur asks, and Thorin's eyes turn to the wizard, who has always managed to get them out of difficult situations so far. But Gandalf only smiles serenely, and Thorin loses his temper.

"Would you have us die here, then?" he snarls, but Gandalf's amusement only seems to grow.

"I don't think we need to worry."

This causes muttering among the dwarves, and Thorin glowers at the infuriating wizard. The wargs standing around the tree have begun to howl, and Azog's voice joins the cacophony. The noise is so horrifying that he ends up covering his ears, but it doesn't help much.

"What are they doing?" Bilbo yells, and Thorin would quite like to know as well. He can handle orcs and wargs trying to kill him, but this type of torture is new to him.

Frankly, he would prefer death.

"I do believe they're singing," Gandalf muses. Thorin stares at him. "I'm not familiar with the song, but the words would suggest they are performing the orcish version of a romantic ballad."

"You've gone mad." He'd been expecting as much -- Gandalf had been a bit strange ever since they met, and only got worse as their journey progressed. "Enough. We will fight them if we must."

Suddenly, Azog roars his name, and Thorin turns around to face him. There are more words, none of which he understands, but Gandalf starts to chuckle softly and he is almost afraid to discover why.

"Gandalf, what's he saying?" Kili asks for him.

The wizard grins. "I do believe that Azog is asking for Thorin's hand."

"You mean to cut it off." Thorin looks at him beseechingly, and his heart sinks when Gandalf shakes his head with twinkling eyes.

"This is outrageous!" Dwalin roars, and Thorin feels grateful to have at least one person on his side. "I will have his head for this insult!"

"I don't believe he's trying to insult you," Gandalf points out. "He's being quite complimentary. Praising Thorin's skill in battle, his fierce spirit, his--"

"That's enough." They all fall silent, their eyes fixed on him. Azog takes that moment to launch into a different song, the melody harsh but strangely mournful as well. Thorin shivers. "We must find a way out of here."

"I may know of a few who could help us." Thirteen sets of hopeful eyes land on the wizard. "But it will take some time for them to arrive."

"We can't trust that those filth will just sit and wait," Nori mutters, and the others murmur their agreement.

"Maybe he can be distracted," suggests Bilbo. He glances at Thorin and quickly away again, looking almost guilty. Thorin glares at him and, for the umpteenth time, regrets ever taking the blasted hobbit along. Bilbo doesn't offer any further suggestions and he allows himself to relax a little, until:

"Thorin should talk to him! I bet that will keep him busy."

Fili's fist lands squarely on his brother's head before anyone else has chance to react, and Kili yelps. "What was that for?!"

"Shut up, Kili," Fili growls at him, and the rest of their argument carries on in hushed tones. Thorin glances back at Azog, who has stopped singing but is now looking at him intently. He almost looks hopeful, as if Thorin's silence means he might actually accept this madness.

He thinks what will happen if they all leave this rock alive, imagines the rest of their trek to Erebor, constantly followed by this orc and his pack. They will never be truly safe as long as Azog lives.

Orcrist glides silently out of its scabbard, and Thorin jumps lightly to the ground. He hears Balin call after him, and Gandalf shout at him to not be a fool, that he doesn't understand what he is doing. But for once, he does not need a wizard or a hobbit to think for him. He sees what has to be done -- his path is clear.

His grandfather still deserves vengeance.

He expects to fight his way through the warg pack, but the beasts don't attack him. It causes a twinge of doubt, but then his eyes fall on Azog and everything else ceases to matter.

Thorin roars and Orcrist cuts through the air, aimed at Azog's neck.

The white warg is fast, and Azog is out of range before Thorin can turn around. He changes his stance, waits for his enemy to charge him. The impact will be heavy, but the terrain affords him steady footing. 

But Azog doesn't move, and when Thorin looks at him he sees the widest smile he has ever seen on an orc. There are more words, still unintelligible, and then Azog dismounts and sinks down to his knees, lowering his head.

Years of training are the only reason Thorin doesn't drop his sword.

"Gandalf?" he calls out, slowly walking backwards towards the tree, a sick feeling spreading through his stomach.

The wizard's silence seems terribly ominous, and he casts a terse glance at the tree.

"Congratulations, Your Majesty," Gandalf drawls. "You two make a lovely couple."

Thorin pales. "I have not accepted!" he hisses, and Gandalf's blue eyes flash dangerously.

"You accepted when you tried to attack your suitor. It is part of orcish culture, I'm afraid. Perhaps next time you should listen to me when I say _you do not understand what you are doing_."

He refuses to look at his companions after he settles back in the tree, and they thankfully keep their thoughts to themselves. Dwalin's hand keeps twitching, however -- Thorin only wishes he knew whose neck those big hands would like to wrap around. He would hate to lose his oldest friend.

"What happens now?" he finally asks, and Gandalf mutters something before sighing heavily. "Now we endure more singing and possibly some poetry, until my friends arrive."

The eagles arrive after half an hour and finally carry them all away, and Thorin can feel Azog's mournful eyes on him long after they have left the orcs behind.

Death truly would have been preferable.


	2. Sequel

Jealousy is not something Azog is overly familiar with. His position means that he always, always gets what he wants one way or the other. He never shares, never regrets, and never loses sight of what he desires.

He has followed his betrothed through woods and mountains, has waited for him to once more be where he belongs. Kingdoms are important -- he has his own after all, understands the responsibilities of leadership and the value of ownership. So he has been patient and waited quietly until all was said and done, until the dust of battle settled around the armies and Thorin stood at the head -- alive and victorious, as a king should be.

It's his turn now, and he straightens his shoulders and adjusts his golden belt (specially looted for the occasion) and prepares to greet his heart's desire, when the King of Elven Scum steps forward and takes the place he meant to occupy in front of Thorin.

His first instinct is to strike with his mace. The elf's head would surely make for a fitting wedding gift. But Thorin does not seem angry or disturbed, and so he waits and watches, as he has been doing since their fated encounter at the gates of Moria.

There is conversation that he cannot hear, but then the elf bows and surely that means he is begging for his life. He licks his lips and waits for his dwarf to draw his sword and drive it through that pale neck. Blood spatters would make Thorin's face even more pleasing, and Azog has a fondness for the taste of elven blood. Perhaps he might get the chance to lick it off.

Thorin stands quietly for a moment, staring at the head lowered before him. Then, he smiles. But it is not the smile of one intending to defile another, and Azog feels sudden confusion (something else he is not used to). Surely Thorin hates the creature before him, who caused his company much grief when he took them prisoner. Azog would not hesitate to kill were he in Thorin's place.

But his future mate only smiles, and says something that makes the motherless elf straighten and smile back at him. It looks almost fond, and Azog doesn't like it at all. They shake hands and he watches the touch linger, and his gnawing discomfort grows. He schools his expression, ignores the soft muttering of his minions. He will not act like a lovestruck fool. He is Azog the Defiler, and his reputation still matters to him.

If he'd had a heart, Thorin would surely have broken it.


End file.
